Why? I usually respond Why do you need to know? unless its someone I really trust. I probably picked it up from my mom, who does the same thing. Good, the colors on the leaves are amazing (in Fall) All five are information-seeking: listen closely, and you will learn something about that person's life, character, and ideas. The underlying assumption, is/. Detailing the event and a specific date is best. So that golden rule requires a bit of pre-invitation sounding-out. Hi / hello + [thing I want to talk about] can almost seem too abrupt in that context, particularly among peers. Personally, Id recommend not babysitting at all for six months to allow cousin the time to get used to the idea that LW is not cousins handmaiden, then seeing if LW can re-engage with the cousin in a mutually respectful manner. It forces the manipulators to cough up some version of their agendas, and galvanizes the friends with vague plans into issuing an actual invitation. I recognize that the question can DEFINITELY be used to intentionally or unconsciously other people, Her problem with it seemed more about having to answer it ALL the time than any implied racism or xenophobia. If not, then they'll just think you're being cheeky, which of course, you are. The bigger words you use, the better. A lot of the people old enough to have adult children at this point still put phone communication on some kind of pinnacle in their minds, because thats what they grew up with. And then they get all pissy because the girl is taken aback by being asked out so abruptly by this guy about whom she knows pretty much nothing except his appearance. So she says no. Could be specific to where I am, though. Here in Scandinavia using this question might lead to really strange conversations since people might assume that it is indeed a serious question which deserves a serious and thorough answer (though this varies between different countries and areas). What are you doing this weekend? Justit can be a lot sometimes. You're confident and independent, but you still overthink this kind of stuff. I also love Caps I need to check my calendar and get back to you approach. It sounds to me like an attempt to take away my ability to say no. How are you? This will not go away. its BANK HOLIDAY?. Its the same here. I have friends who grew up in Poland but have been UK citizens for decades at the tops of their highly-respected professions. It sounds like you find the second uncomfortable or have had bad experiences with people misusing it to manipulate you. Its okay that I struggle with anxiety. Is it a throwaway social nicety, or a veiled attempt to get you to accept a task or invite? Soft invites in my friend circle are more just a mutually understood shorthand for I value your friendship so Im going to express a genuine desire to hang out even were both depressed and introverted and therefore the likelihood of this actually happening is pretty low.. And just because my plans dont include hanging out with anyone or leaving my home, it doesnt mean that I am free or willing to cancel them. Here are some of the most humorous replies to "How are you?" Table of contents: I'm Better on the inside than I Look on the outside Can't Complain. There was definitely conflict where trying to balance and figure out fairness, safety, and compassion were difficult and sometimes heated. I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. Your friends and family will get off the phone with you and wonder why they aren't grabbing life by the horns the way you are. If its not something Im into, I feel pressure to say yes because she knows Im not busy. Helen Huntingdon, I dont want you to think Ive dismissed all your argumentsyouve certainly given me pause and gotten me to think about what my expectations are. friend: yooooooooo goodyou Sometimes friends do tell me theyre free, but if I suggest something, they might still say nah, not what I want to do this weekend and thats fine as well! I understand theyre looking for an ice breaker, but its not that interesting to talk about Ill probably get to laundry if Im not too lazy. I wish there was another common conversation starter among people you already know. Hah. And when they do, you need to be prepared with the most appropriate reply to make the most of the situation. (Im a lady dating ladies btw, if thats relevant, though I have also dated men before and my experience is definitely colored by some of the emotional labor / potential gender-related danger issues some of the commenters pointed out thats spot on). One of my long-time boundaries is I wont date a guy who cant properly carry out an invitation and follow it through. If youd rather not, I would love to immediately pretend this never happened and talk about dinosaurs for the next ten minutes, and then never bring it up again. IMO the correct answer to we should get lunch some time or lets hang out is actually sure, Saturdays are generally good for me or Ive been meaning to see Black Panther. I know that doesnt solve your overall problem, and I dont know what a reasonable solution is Im Sorry youre struggling right now. Our college was selling cheap tickets for an outdoor ice skating event. It all feels like a gross, stupid game I dont want to play. In fact, you probably have all of these thoughts when a guy asks, "What are you doing this weekend?". New day, old me, just doing routine stuff. 1. This is about the blandest, most banal small talk question I can think of.). This applies in other areas of life too. Wow is all I got. Hello, theres a related phenomenon of *cashiers who dont know you* asking the question. "You know I can do this anytime.". "It's going well.". It happens every time I get him as a teller. Yeah Im keen., I honestly never get asked this question as anything other than innocuous small talk. I am fond of: Oh, you know how it is. And my mom thought I was like the most studious kid ever, because I knew that if I ever looked like I had free time, she would fill it with chores, so I always had some kind of project to work on (I did have the grades to back this up or it wouldnt have worked). Indoor Cat raised some good points. to add: I think if there are people youre close to who do this a lot, like your sister, you can just tell them its a small thing but it bugs you and can they please ask a different way. The thing about she is family, and I expect family to do X is: Who decides what is necessary, when is it necessary, and who needs to do it? She didnt have other plans; she just wanted to draw a line in the sand about him telling her what to do. Except LW specifically said that with the peer-friends who are not using it as entrapment, LW doesnt find it problematic at all. I used to get caught by this question. Published: August 09, 2021. At the very least, it makes you feel like the place you live isnt really your homethat youll never belong or be from there, that you have no claim to it. For a cashier: Great, how are you? just because they are probably required to ask as part of their job. I dont feeling hes hitting on me exactly, though I am not answering in a way he likes/expects (am I supposed to be chatty bc Im young-ish and female? [Reposting because it looks like my first comment was eaten.]. Just make sure to follow these three rules for sending Tinder messages: Keep it PG-13, even on Tinder. I get that I might not be asked to future events as well. Ive noticed that sometimes when coworkers as me what Im doing theyre really just politely trying to start a conversation about the weekend so they can tell me all about their exciting weekend plans. No other teller (in this bank, or others that Ive been in) does this. Nothing? What works for you? Am I supposed to answer? When I am planning an event I usually offer a description of what I have planned first and then we move to scheduling but most of that is done in social media or by e-mail these days. 3. I also (insert similar hobby or interest). But I dont think you can compare me to your dad. I like your point that it does actually give people the outyouve put it in their minds that they can say Im busy., Its what I dothough I often try to say the thing first (Want to go to a movie? Its not over-sensitivity when people react to it theyre reacting to what they know is likely to be underneath it.. , Related the person who just assumes youre doing whatever theyve planned for you because its a family thing and youre family or I asked Z and they said you were free* or What else would you be doing? This way, you are always busy when those people ask. I sympathize with their reasons for having trouble planning, but I also do find it a little irksome that they only initiate actual plans once a year for their birthday while still making all the sounds about wanting to hang out. (Seriously? The first time I posted a little comment showed up saying that my comment was pending mod review since it was my first comment but I dont see one of those now. Theres always some kind of obligation, because theyre my parents and I love them and I want to honor what theyve done for me in giving me a great life. My instinct leads me to: answer back in the affirmative (great) because Performing Happy is expected of us, thank them for their interest (thanks), and repeat the gesture (yourself?). My nos are not because I dont like you! Of course I only say that to the people I like lol. Thats a little heavy-handed to apply to someone from one letter. The method that has been the most successful for me is to ask one person if theyre available/interested in an event, work out a date, and then specify such event in a group chat. *I have some sympathy for her, in that Ive seen how this is gendered in our culture, of women being trained not to ask for what they want/need (possibly more than in western cultures? The second part of this is being okay evaluating the specific invitations and turning them down if you dont want to do them. In that case, if they have already said theyre free, they might feel trapped into saying yes; I know I would. Totally fair and perfectly polite. Invitations are not commands. Id like to do a bit better with my own kids. Thats because I regard is as manipulative and Im very surprised that some people consider it a way to make saying no easier instead of harder. That would feel like a very odd response if I were making small-talk with the question. Best of luck to you, dear LW! My husbands family is large and I generally love them, but sometimes I just do not want to eat little smokies and chips with 40 other people in a loud house with tons of screaming children. What are you doing Thursday? We were asking about things they like or dont like about America compared to the countries they grew up in. I eat most things except Mexican, but with some people I have learned to just make the decision or well spend so much time dithering that once we decide on a place, my lunch break will be over. What are you doing for dinner? Thaaats what Im telling myself about my children anyway. Or at least, it will be seen as rude by many people that I know and had had this conversation with. I think thats why it can sometimes be difficult to answer? Next week, tell me how it went? And then make myself a note to specifically ask about it. Im trying to train her out of the habit. A question is not a legal summons, you can literally ignore it if you want! If its someone from work that I have no personal relationship with, then Any plans this weekend? just sounds like office small talk, the forward-looking version of How was your weekend? If its someone I know personally, then Are you doing anything tomorrow? sounds like a way to try to trick me into agreeing to do something not-fun (because if it was fun, theyd ask outright). That! and she looked really pissed off, and I worried that maybe it sounded like I was looking for an excuse, any excuse, to get out of whatever she was proposing. What are you up to on Saturday? has often been my go-to when dealing with someone (like my sister) that I *know* will feel pressured to accept whatever Im suggesting whether or not she wants to or has the time/energy for it. So I think it makes sense to feel that threatening eviction / charging rent could be harmful. )in a way that seems to be back firing. Im working on this myself. I usually just respond with I have tentative plans with a friend why do you ask? Lots of wiggle room there. Maybe shorter comments go through immediately but longer ones need mod-approval? Why? Updog. Yup. Amazing what showering can do for you. Im asking because you absolutely will pay for it in terms of impacts on the long-term relationship with the person she will become. She gets what crowds people like and is on point with inviting me to the right events. I loathe this question, and Ive been getting it a lot lately. Indeed, I often hear it as an attempt to trap me into doing something. If you're worried your co-workers or boss will assume you need more to do if you don't talk about your heavy workload, go for this response. Person A: Im fine. a coworker you dont hang out with outside of work asking this question on a Friday) and as a pre-request/invitation. Shampooing the grass. Theyre almost certainly not trying to pry into information you consider private! No way. (Whether there will be some negative family fallback I dont know). The kids DO like my origami and I was able to get in some geometry pointers with that. If you're taking a vacation and staying home, your clients or coworkers may still expect you to pop into the office and answer their emails. I think there is something to be said for family relationships between adults where the balance is between emotional labor and responsibility for the home rather than money. For small talk, I like to ask questions where the answer can be simple. But why would you feel entitled to her time to help with party favors for a party youre throwing? To me layering (which I definitely do) is more about putting my information out there first and hinting that Ill be chill if you say no, as opposed to initiating the conversation while asking the other person to show their cards first, which feels at the least unfair, and at the most, as you say, like a trap. Thats possibly reasonable to do with a minor child, but youre still acting to preserve a parental level of dominance over her as an adult. Going back to work? Unhelpful? Nah, Why do you ask is generally pretty safe to take literally. Theyre expecting to hear seeing a movie and doing some yardwork, not reciting my social security number out loud while treating my intimate medical issues or anything else not normally shared with a crowd. Its okay if I dont want to share the details of what Im reading with coworkers. There are variants but this one is always appropriate in all situations. Just looking for my phonehave you seen it? LWs parent. Maybe you have a mountain of laundry and it takes the whole weekend, or you are just doing the laundry inbetween other activities. You an also use it to deflect people like the commenters who are entirely not malicious, because it can serve the same purpose of filling small talk, providing a topic of easy conversation, and/or signaling that you are busy but flexible to people you actually like. Why does it need taking care of?? It sort of came to a head last week when I was on the toilet, and the kid came to the door, and my kid answered the door, and the conversation was like person: cool yep If I say why and she responds with something easily done another time or only sort of appealing, Ill judge it against a nice evening of doing nothing and maybe pass. I have a colleaguestraight white well-employed middle-class-raised Christian cis man, so about as privileged as you can get in Americawho opts out of a lot of what he considers to be optional social stuff. Its okay that I dont want to tell my coworkers the details of what Im reading and I get to choose who I want to share details of my life with. For me, it makes saying no so much harder. "Hope you are doing well" is actually a pretty common opening line when people write emails. Getting up before 10:30 drinking some more beer and starting to work on my truck/dirt bike this should consume your whole Saturday until about 10:00 then you drink lots of beer and head out with your buds. Something like this happens every single time. And for that age range of teens into mid-twenties, its developmentally normal to not adult well in spaces/tasks/areas of endeavor where they cannot do so unsurveilled by childhood parental authority figures, but to abruptly adult extremely well and competently when freed from that surveillance. In a lot of cases I dont think its meant to be manipulative, its just a verbal tic. And then deflect back on to them. He didnt mention it at all, and he wasnt big into ice skating in years past, so I assumed he probably just wasnt interested. etc. And we do know that extreme surveillance is a very brutal and destructive form of torture. I like to piss her off so Im honest with her. I am on the spectrum, so I would anxiety-spiral about whether, once again, I missed a basic social skill everyone else learned in kindergarten. *In my case, Z has agreed to push the Ask her yourself button instead of passing messages along. I think we can get trapped in endless circles of soft invitations where neither person ever gets the push to move forward, so Ive tried to get more into the habit of being explicit about a desire for the other person to act. Its really not you, its them. For a close friend, you could answer more literally. 1. But if someone says what are you doing tomorrow night and I say painting my toenails in front of Netflix, that leaves me without a graceful out. COME TO LOOSE PLAN HANGOUT THING THAT IM INVOLVED IN OR ELSE YOU MIGHT SHRIVEL AND DIE! and they had the best intentions. Usually, the asker will tell me why they asked after I answer, no matter what the answer is (busy, not busy, dont know). Cant. It is trickery and so frustrating. I suspect some of the people who are giving a vaguer yeah to the lets hang out have answered what they thought was an actual suggestion with Saturdays are good for me and gotten um, er, Im kind of busy these days, Ill call you and never hearing back. W- Work free. I agree that its fully fair to say things like, Oh, Toastmasters isnt my thing, but thanks! Thats exactly what I meant by a soft deferral. I chitchat with cashiers so its totally fine to say something like, Ah, gosh, so crazy today I got a flat tire and Im just grabbing something easy for dinner. In other words if you have the time and energy to construct a lowkey, mildly entertaining story then go for it, otherwise just stick with Great, how are you? and you can let the conversation drop from there. Im with this LWask me to do a specific thing or dont. And take LWs at their word, maybe? Another example: My parents both corrected their local accents to American Standard Television English long before I was born, so I grew up with that accent myself. ), (4) I just found a salamander, can I put it in your mouth?. If it doesnt work with my schedule, I will tell you. This business of judging what another adult does with their leisure hours (with the obvious caveat that they harm no one) is bad enough, but insisting on the right to interrupt that time to set another adult extra chores is unreasonable in most circumstances, and not good for anybody. However, if you and/or your husband have used that phrase in the past where she is included in the We, shes not mishearing you/he are misspeaking. I think that with my previous friend group culture, a sorry, Im REALLY busy for the next few weeks gets taken personally as Im too busy to maintain our relationship, even though Im trying to, um, not be homeless? If you want to push them to just say why they want to know, ask. You can change "because you have kids" to a variety of things, depending on whom you're talking to. I mountain bike every weekend! What did _you_ have in mind?. If you can walk away from them, they're successful. LWs letter got me thinking and i thought about using this kind of questions and realized that the only time I actually use them is with really close friends with whom I would just like to hang out or intend to make plans together. It can mean I want to make plans if youre freewhich, for me at least, isnt so much plan it for me as planning is hard, lets establish if theres even an open time slot before we nail down the details. If the emphasis is on you its just a greeting. I also ignore We should hang out soon! It doesnt replace actually reaching out to me and trying to set up plans. It kind of sucks to be going about your business and then people remind you that you dont fit in. Oh, theyre going to the movies on Saturday? Its totally true that you can opt out of those things. You are hearing pressure where there is none; and even if there were a little pressure, the grownup way to deal with it is to push back firmly but politelyno whining, no yelling, no accusing, no lecturing. Im super introverted and have medium to high levels of anxiety, depending on the situation. This one is a bit tricky for me. Then Ill say Whats up? or Whats going on then? or What did you have in mind?. Alternately, I am sleeping the whole weekend. As such, I like to preface it with taking care of some stuff. They say hey, and you reply with the same. Which is why weve all learned to use our words, though it takes some learning and there are still occasional misunderstandings. Its 2018. I can see how doing anything on thee weekend is small talk, but that would only count if the person is someone you are not on visiting terms with, like most of my colleagues. Right now? And luckily the people asking me are perfectly able to graciously accept a No. I can also see how always hearing a particular question before being asked a favor is going to start getting on your nerves. Like, OK, were not people who talk to each other about our lives beyond the weather and traffic, cool. It took a long time to figure out that I could just cheerfully respond, Why do you ask? In a friendly middle-class-lady voice, (almost as if I hope they are going to tell me something wonderful!). Im glad for the above scripts! Maybe you can Google it. Just standing here waiting for stupid questions I guess. Thursday is awful for me rushing all day invites the questioner to drop the topic, and Nothing, how about you invites the questioner to ask you to the fun thing. Can I let you know for sure tomorrow?. Not blond but like superwhite. I think part of it, too, is that I have mental health issues and physical issues so sometimes the questions make me feel pressured to have a good weekend. So yeah, I feel that part too. Some people here do not really do much small talk, so even asking How are you? might lead to a long description of ones health. Can we not use spaz/spazzy, please? I dont think my friends are trying to put me on the spot at all. I get you wanting to be met at the airport under those circumstances. Then, I asked her, why did she ask ME? The LW is getting socially trapped, and needs a selection of answers that are vague while also claiming her right to her time. It helps that at this point in my life Ive stopped associating with people who dont understand that sometimes you can only have so much fun and then you need some time to like, open all your mail and pet the cat. Mother likes to trap me. By mentioning the weekend, it ' s a great segue to ask them what they ' re doing. I think its interesting how LW is talking about what seems to me to be a specific social paradigm/situation that a lot of the commentators do not share? If I catch myself, before they respond lll clarify what my actual invitation is. 1. Try these OOO messages to let people know you're taking a break. Relatedly, this is not an impolite thing to say. I am a Guess person, and that is not going to change (and I often feel annoyed at people who seem to think that it shouldmy brain wiring is okay, too! It happens, even, as above, to straight white cis etc. I've Tried, but No One Listens Hopefully Not as Good as I'll Ever Be If I Was Any Better, Vitamins Would Be Taking Me Okay. We assume you wont want to share all your more detailed baggage or bad news with someone you dont know very well and we are a little taken aback if you actually do because it indicates that you feel a level of closeness with us that we didnt necessarily feel with you. I think my own culture is more ask-y, but I had a pretty pushover personality and often felt, well, pushed around by the people around me. But it can also just mean I love you and want to hear about things youre doing that youre excited about; it comes up all the time with friends who live far away! (If shes British, hopefully that will scare the crap out of her and shell leave you alone. Ive seen cat vacuuming most often as being what you do before you can sit down to write. One girl mentioned the How are you? and said shed learned not to answer it truthfully because people dont actually care. All of us Americans responded that, well no, its not that we dont actually care. I felt disliked, maybe undervalued, often embarrassed (and some of that came from my own brainweasles or ablism in broader society, not primarily my parents) but never unsafe. I used this to train my mom to use text/email instead, because 1) I hate phone and 2) a written message means much less chances of either one of us getting the details wrong. (huge smile) I told you that this is our private time and we will not be walking with you! Fine, thanks, and you? We went swimming in the lake and had a little bonfire." This is a good response to use when your weekend with family was more on the slow-paced side but was nonetheless enjoyable. Maybe if the stress was a bit different? Then I can pin them down on what, and when, without having pre-committed myself to some favor they were hinting at sideways. But a couple people have African-violeted me over this. I get it from friends (who usually just want to find a time to hang and thats not so bad), my cousin (who usually wants me to babysit), my mom (whenever she wants to invite me somewhere), and people Im chatting with on dating websites. People of just about any accent can turn up just about anywhere and be from there. If it is in fact a lead up to an invitation or request I can always either find room for it or say I dont have time. He would intentionally just hint around until they offered. Wake up late Sunday morning and go ride or play in the mud. Let the customer know you empathize with them and use their name to personalize your communications.