This is my job, as his big sister, and this is what I am going to do. I just greive any human being could be that dark to do this but he is at peace. Now I sit in silence missing him. Losing my son 20 years later has been very difficult. I had no idea he was depressed. Me and my husbands 23 year anniversary. I know exactly what youre feeling. But what I will say is that the God of the Christian Bible is a God of mercy and compassion, who cared for the sick and the suffering. i was so busy and overwhelmed that i told him i would see him next time. And nobody was available apparently. He was in a wheelchair and had been for 35 years and had been struggling with depression for years. He was going through immense depression at such a young age of 17. At first, the shock kept the pain away now I have days where the pain is so raw and I cant stop crying which is unusual as for years I have had no emotions due to other family traumas. I am sick to my stomach about losing him and then not even having the chance to help somebody else. I dont say a lot, just listen. I knew I was mad for her back then and I know this sounds strange but I didnt know I loved her until she was gone. I loved her so much and feel so let down. God, this sounds so cliche, but please, please, dont ever do this. He was 42. My sister in law said for me to call my mom. Therapy can be such a huge help in circumstances of traumatic loss, like what you have gone through. No one is the sole influence in anothers life. I hv my doubts. Honor your sister by living your best life. Julie, Im so sorry for your loss. That is absolutely heartbreaking. It is not your failure. I didnt really like this guys other friends either, and I said to her that Ill just come knock for her in the morning if I dont turn up.. ( that phone call.. could of changed our lifes if it went differently ). Sometimes we will never know and will only hold ourselves down in grief if we live by the what ifs. Ill be there. So. He was in so much pain. When I speak about the event, I chose to say He took his own life. because its hard for me to say the S word. He did very well, of course he met people I never knew. He had a huge gun collection(he was a hunter and collected). He had been living with me after getting in a fight with his girlfriend. It is going to be not easy but I will invite our family to have small gathering prior do discuss how we want to do it. He was in so much pain. Please be patient with yourselves. Ill never get one of those hugs that last forever. In the last few years, every phone call, every text, meet up was an intervention. I was the sole provider the five years she was in maternity leave and when I point that out she says what about before they were born when you were out of work and I carried you. You are not alone and by sharing my grief it seems to be helping me. I knew from her that her teenage son had been telling her to kill him and then kill herself repeatedly, and she was trying to get the state or school system to intervene and take him. I realised how severely depressed she was and it was heartbreaking to see. This action was all my Mother felt she could give to us, I dont need anyone in my family to give me validation of this, my heart knows. We fought often but I felt I was fighting another side, the ill side. May 18, 2016 at 8:07 pm Reply. I didn't even know these statistics until my Dad. His ex-fianc tormented him and stalked him and sent him a sms telling him to do everyone a favour and kill himself. For me, he was and still is the best partner/husband and our love and relationship hasnt ended. I know that probably would not have changed anything, but I am now constantly thinking about how things might have gone if I had told her about myself, about how it can get better with the proper help, with the proper friends. However, what concerning the conclusion? Im still learning a lot from this. I dont know what else to do. Some days its the worst imaginable pain and other days you look back on the memories and smile. On April 8th the love of my life took her life almost right in front of me. Kathleen December 8, 2019 at 5:13 am Reply. Marlyn February 25, 2020 at 6:22 am Reply. Sometimes, stories went around that her bf was hitting her, and every time people asked her about it, shed just say that she fell over or something.. My brother took the easy way out a few months ago. I hate suicide for others but I believe that I have a right to decide my own fate. The intention is to replace the existing terminology, mainly the term committed suicide as committed refers to things like crime and religious offenses and contributes to the stigma around suicide. Do not accept blame from yourself or others. My friend killed himself over two months ago, during lockdown. He refused to seek help because I suspect he doubted anyone really cared or could change his feelings. However, in this instance, they may find that many of their questions are either unanswerable or lead to distressing conclusions (whether or not these conclusions are true). He was the love of my life. What do i do, Richard McDonald October 13, 2020 at 12:14 am Reply, I am so sorry you too had to go through this. ~ Kathleen, claudia September 13, 2019 at 5:22 pm Reply. All of my thoughts are jumbled right now, its so hard to comprehend this. Unresolved grief will catch up with you as you have found out. I can only hope more time will heal my heart and painI just pray hes resting in peace, My brother also killed himself earlier this year and its the first Christmas without him hereI have been dreaming more about him lately and it is so sad. He has several books. I never knew what pain meant until I lost my brother. To those in this thread who have been dealing with hurt, reach out to someone and just talk, it may not feel like it is helping (at least I didnt think it had for me) but I truly believe that there is a purpose in everything and if it helps someone else to not walk into the abyss, then the time to respond and conversation was exponentially worth it. I am sorry. I hope its not too late, The father of my son passed away last Friday and today would be his funeral . Im already dead. I will even give you my cell number. Chris Coleman July 10, 2022 at 2:04 pm Reply. Its up to you to figure out what you want to do with your grief, how you want to handle it, where you want to settle it beside yourself and in your life, and what role you want to take in seeing this situation out, but, no matter what you decide, you can take comfort in knowing that you made those decisions for yourself. Its just I miss and love and regret so much now. I thought they would listen to me and get him help. Although I am still in disbelief during some moments, as I think of his laugh and his smile and his permanent absence from our lives due to an impetuous, desperate choice he made that night, I am beginning to have better moments during the day. Counseling definitely helps. My heart goes out to all those who have commented :'(. I dont know how to do that plus I am weak and hands arthritic. Here's a closer look at the incident, the case and what followed afterwards: The murder. His body was found and it was discovered he'd overdosed. she had a heart condition, and faced w/ the prospect of a shortened life, and a body she hated, she killed herself. It was around 8:30AM that morning and I was looking all over for him to give him his Fathers Day card; it was a popup beach card that I knew he would have loved. Love, Mom of Tom, Tonya December 7, 2018 at 3:35 pm Reply, My son harmed himself on Nov 17th, I came home from spending the night at my boyfriend house. I was against the marriage. After losing a board game to his younger sister, he reached for the wooden block of knives on the counter and pulled one out. I think about my sister in law and the pain she is in, I see both her and my brother as empty souls with complete darkness over them. Tami January 24, 2021 at 11:06 pm Reply. They concluded they didnt have enough to have her locked up. Im so sorry for your loss. We played video games until midnight, when he made a sexual advance. She told people about her bad home life, and her depression. She was amazing. That is beyond comprehension to me. I fell..it hurt but no harm done. I dont know what I hope to achieve by writing this. I should have known! My brother. I ignored messages also and a call probably 5 minutes before he done it and I am torturing myself for it. I am in my year of firsts. My husband ended his walk through this life in June 2019. I am a single mom and couldnt expose my child to that danger. My life partner of 11 years shot himself in the early hours on 30 June. He promised to always be here with me and for me and he broke that promise because he was fighting a battle he could not win. I also beat myself up because Im a licensed counselor! Do sayShe died by suicide or She took her life. He was a flawed human being, far from perfect, but He was an amazing person/son/brother/husband/father in his own way. The f yous and I hate yous. And most minutes of the day, I dont want to. Him telling me I stole his stuff or was after him to attack or kill him. MAY. Not having the appropriate intervention or tools to overcome the negativity from bullying is what drove them to taking their own lives. But some days were angry, some were confused, and some we spend the whole day crying and asking why. I was 25 at the time I became the biggest liqour abuser I have ever known and its only gotten worst . I understand why people kill themselves. not at all. it was very smart guy to do something so stupid just because my sister she will live him forever, for him she was peace of mind his son was never on his side and he knows all that and never give a shit after 2 months living with us he understand who really we are ,( me and my wife) and felt the smell of family and the real love between me and my sister.. thats way he decide to do this here in Toronto in my home in my house at the end he find the best place in the world and so safe to live them here where they should be to their family (wifes family) he die February 07 2019 and asked me to take care his wife and son his brother is the biggest police officer at narcotics very strong man very strong position, but he decide to live them to me i believe this was the real reason to make him do this terrible act.. and not the fact that my sister asked from him to live her forever the truth is that they meet each other at very young age and get in love with passion and braking all the rules please help me find an answer !!! Most of my regrets are for the things he never got to do , like seeing the see. They dated back to before we met, and she had been hospitalized for her depression a few times before. Ive never had any legal trouble in my life and am not a trouble maker. I told him I loved him and I went home. I had to take 3 years of leave from work as I cried every day for the first 3 years after his death. I loved him more than life itself. I'm not so sure. I, from my bleeding heart, hope you can rest your eyes even for the night. I understand that you feel guilty about your husbands suicide This is so normal. I walked straight into my sons room to see if he was awake and he looked like he was asleep, I went over to him because he wasnt covered up like he normally does. I feel that my love was inadequate. I could have saved him i know i could of, he messaged me at 04.18 am telling me he loved me. But its hard to not think what if there was something else I could have done to help her. My brother killed himself this summer and i think i'm in the weirdest part of coping. I, too, hope the police find the man who instigated her suicide. I still am haunted of pictures in my head of what his last few minutes were, and they impact me very deeply. . I miss him so much, I can relate with you 100% if you ever need someone to talk to plz feel free to email me at jackboy918@yahoo.com, My 23 year old elder sister whom I loved the most in my life killed herself by suicide one month ago She was kind, loving, helpful, used to think about others happiness before her and was the best person in my life Life is just so hard after her for me and my whole familyI m just 19 but feel like ending my life too because that incident changed my life 360 degree I m depressed, guilty and all alone I feel I will never be happy in my life again and life has no meaning for me still for my family I wont do anything like this because they wont be able to take another shock The thing which hurts me the most is that to some extent I knew she was not ok due to her breakup and small family fights I tried to make her understand but it was not enough I should have understood her in better way She told no one in family but me and my cousin She used to say to me that I dont know if after your birthday I would be there or not but I didnt take it seriously and thought she is joking to tease me because she was so mature and so caring I thought she is elder than me and knows better this is not right and she killed her in the same month.. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. At 42, he killed himself. Anxiety and depression run in my family so I was able to offer her good advice and accept the way she was feeling without judging her. Its called: Ride Peace through Connection with Self Spirit Nature, Ive come across this article 18 years after my first love took his life outside my house. The drug use continued to what ever drug he could get. ..and stated that hed attempted to kill himself twice before but that he was on a better path now. I just had to reach out because our stories are a little bit similar. Her memorial in this Saturday and I fear I may not make it. hes a over the road truck driver so I couldnt just wait for him to come home. I tried to reason with him why he should come back and get some help. I will not b in shock any more and I need that. Now I dont really get to see the grandkids and she has moved on. My mum knows what was written in the suicide letter but will not tell me what was written in it for some reason like she is trying to protect me. When I received the devastating news I couldnt breathe, I still dont feel as though it actually happened. They talk to each other but when I get home its silent. She said she wasnt sure how he even made it home. He had been out of the hospital only 10 days when he took his life. The neighbor ran out of house screaming and called the police. He shot himself just after the text. Im now in the position of being the mental and physical stability for my family. I feel like a shell of a person just here. Irene November 29, 2019 at 12:15 am Reply. Each time he came out alive. I didnt. I never sought helpIve kept myself beyond busy as a distraction. I chose to remember all of it. Hi there. Shes someone I met and instantly connected with. My ex wife and I had agreed that he should be an organ donor and we both signed the paperwork. Today makes it 5 years since my father shot himself. I didnt get a letter or a fullstop. Some days will be better than others and over time you will begin to smile and laugh again. I felt isolated and estranged during conversation. Isabelle Siegel January 25, 2021 at 9:49 am Reply. Around a year and 2 weeks ago, one of my closest friends took her own life. Your life is precious. She was like another grandmother to my 7 year old and thats also hard for me to handle. He didnt commit a crime he was mentally out of it. In grief, feelings of guilt, blame, regret, and rejection can be logical, but they can also defy all logic and reason. I got a call from my dad saying that my brother was no longer with us and it left me in shock. I felt so guilty that I wanted to kill myself immediately, but I didnt want to inflict on my elderly parents the agony that I felt. Ever since that day I dream I hug him and I tell him I miss him. Realise that grief has many forms, from sadness, to anger, to guilt. im angry and im sad and i feel like im broken into a million little pieces. Same with my brother. I am a 48 year old guy and not a talker and not a therapist person but best decision I have made in a very, very long time. How Im supposed to work on the anger stage. He took his life on April 8, 2017. Although there are many fine points to this conversation, I want to impress the following upon you: When discussing an individuals death from suicide. You see even though we might feel that its tough on a particular day since we received the news, we are left behind to keep on living and loving each other and fighting the darkness in this world with the light of that love. There is a common theme. For me, She is the better part of me forever!!!!!!!! Last week, I got a tattoo of his initials. Frankie I love you. I see his face everywhere I go. Thanks. I dont know how to feel anymore. I am trying to avoid these thoughts as much as i can but they always find the way back and i feel as if i would meet her, if i have said something it could have changed the outcome. His father, sister, brother, and me are hurting so deeply. I just need the universe to know that I am out here. Thank you! My brother was 53 and he hung himself on 31st Jan 2017. Its all she could talk about! But, my friend told me what happened to her almost a year after she killed herself. He faced a severe battle with his inner demons and it still kills me today that I couldnt recognize that he was going through all of this and just kept it to himself. So it will all be the same. The one thing and I talk about it openly because I feel hed want me too. I choose to say he made a unimaginable choice he was in perpetual pain. Mike was the most compliant person I ever knew-he did the work, took the meds, participated in therapy, etc. I would hold a grudge. I immediately lost it screaming, crying. My dad shot himself dec 22 2020. My dad and brother found her dead. I was there for himfor 29 years I was there for him. Our son was just 5 weeks old. They were 14 & 12. "Boy (13) kills himself because bullies told him to.". Technology is good of course, but I think some young people and adults overuse it as a way to feel connected when in fact they are notwe NEED real connections with real people. He had told me for years (after seeing both our parents suffer horribly from cancer) that if he ever got cancer he would shoot himself. So you have to be strong, to get of this situation by yourself to make them realize yiu dont need them ! Ive never liked being around guns but for him I didnt think twice. I like this; its been three months for me since my sister committed suicide. I know its not fair, that Cassie was sick but I hate we did so much, tried so hard loved her so much and it didnt matter in the end. I immediately tried to get him to come back inside and asked him what was wrong. The time has come for us to choose language aroundsuicide thatdoes not condemn or stigmatize the person who has died or those who love them. Im falling behind because I get too exhausted from the grief to work as hard as I did when she was alive. She had cuts from her wrists to her shoulders, and her legs. For the people she hurt, for the hurt shes dealt me with her actions, for the son she left behind who one day Ill have to explain what happened to mommy. Our grief is almost identical. If not, ask a professional to help start one. after that an officer pulled me to the side and asked a bunch of questions. My brother hung himself april 6, 2019. They were making plans to hang out the next evening. I rest my hope in Gods coming kingdom; the one that we pray for in the Lords prayer. When I read that I knew I was going to lose my friend soon. I will not stop until I fine the truth in what happened. People say I am strong. There is help for you but you need to seek it. Accept there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to deal with this. My sense of humor the list goes on. I was not gone 24hrs when it happened. She was one year younger than me and I never got to meet her properly : I had first noticed her for always wearing sleeves or copious amounts of bracelets in public and I had seen some pretty bad scars on her arms. I said Do what? As I noticed she was actively loading a gun. he knew he was dying from the alcohol. March 8th, 2018. I am a surviving father and husband of two suicides in my family. He knew it was going to hurt us but he also knew Id b ok. Until now that i am 24 years old. Chuck took great pride in his legal abilities and knowledge, and his intellect in general. Carolyn April 11, 2019 at 2:44 pm Reply. But I was still quietly disappointed that he seemed unenthusiastic toward me. Have you considered therapy. Committed robbery, committed arson, committed murder. We had a fall out a few weeks after we buried mum. I prayed to God for a sign that I should go, which I never received. Please dont. Kim Patterson February 14, 2019 at 12:12 pm Reply. We rallied around her and prayed that she would outgrow this and that it was part of the normal teenage angst. We live in separate towns and the day before he died he wrote me a text. Is it normal to feel like shes already dead ? Im sorry to hear about your loved ones passing. I thought he was handling it. My ex boyfriend killed himself July 29, 2019. The previous weekend she had disappeared suddenly and at the wrong time of day, and I instantly realized that she intended to harm herself. She could be mean, but she stood up for her friends. One breath at a time is how you get through it. The baby lived a few days so at least we got that I guess. They have been immensely helpful & supportive for me and my son. seems like we need to chat I have a few questions for you. I know it feels Impossible. couldnt even help him fight his demons. He too suffered a damaging childhood that he never seemed to recover from. Hey Katharina. I panicked and started to plead and beg the woman I loved more than life, more than living ,well more than anything to please stop and not do this. Think of the pain you will cause your love ones. The police came in to inform us that she hanged herself in a homeless unit, her partner found her and they tried to revive her. They were friends all through middle school until he moved to a neighboring town about 20 mins away from ours, and they lost touch when he started at another school. My brother killed himself 1 year ago today. My boyfriend was a jolly kind and compassionate person. If you find one and it doesnt help, find another one. Im good most of the time, but sometimes, it still hurts incredibly : /, Tessa winger March 14, 2019 at 3:45 am Reply. And she doesnt need to. So I went to see my own doctor and told him how scared I was ,he said he also could not help. I cant go to his funeral or my son because he loves to far, IsabelleS October 1, 2020 at 10:12 am Reply. I cry when I ask myself why he did not call me when an incident happened in rehabinstead he went to what felt good and the sadness would endthis time permanentlybut my sadness may last a lifetimeI am so glad I have a great support team and my faith. This rate is equal to 1 death every 11 minutes. You did the best you could. The death, which for so long could not be discussed, is now featured in the newspaper, from my dear mother who lied to us initially believing she was protecting us.. I am very sorry for everyone here and their losses! There are resources on campus that can help you." If you continue to be concerned about your friend in distress, contact the UT Behavior Concerns and COVID-19 Advice Line at 512-232-5050, which is accessible 24/7/365 and staffed by trained professionals. My husband of 54 years ended his life on December 4, 2017. He was my supervisor for only about three months before I got out of the military so I dont know why it hurts this much. It's just hard to accept it all. My brother and only sibling died by suicide on 2-19-19. Apparently she had called them before shed done anything and asked how long it would take them to get there of course they didnt answer that and she told them to hurry cause she had a toddler in the house and that her sister was on her way down and she didnt want me to find her. I understand what she went through. All the best to you. I tried to talk with him and kept being shoved away. Even if it is only one person who is suffering this way? Before she took her life she told her mother she didnt feel the medication was working and the visits to the institution were a waste of time. i do feel like im going crazy. Im here to help also. My brother took his life October 24,2016, he was just 30 years old. Michelle Wisdom June 14, 2016 at 6:56 am Reply, I lost a spouse to suicide. If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy. Richard McDonald October 13, 2020 at 12:01 am Reply. There are days like today that I feel Ive lost my weapons. Rational thinking went out the window and autopilot kicks in. Talking with a counselor who specializes in trauma and grief can be incredibly helpful to changing your relationship with these difficult memories while learning to be able to connect with your fathers memory in more comforting ways in the present. I have frequent nightmares of that evening, as well as dreams that it never happenedonly to wake to the grief of remembering he is really gone. For now? My heart goes out to you, your son and brother. Its so normal to have a mix of good and bad days. To me, he was a lot like your friend- an older brother, a very young man who brought light into this world. I dont sleep well and frequently get up and read or play solitaire. My oldest grandchild hung herself on January 28, 2018. Ive been studying narcissism for years trying to make sense of him and of us, and the bottom line is, I have to accept this was the inevitable outcome of a lot of factors, some his fault, some not. Almost like you shouldn't be coping and moving on. But she sadly found his obituary! Hi, FallenAngel. I knew he was having a hard time after the first three weeks of lockdown, but I was not aware of how much he was suffering. He was the happiest most out going man and had so many friends. Life is a bit shittier without him, but I still genuinely laugh and smile everyday. To this day no one in the house talks about it. I feel so bad for his family. The day after our return I saw my therapist on an emergency basis and told her what happened, and after a long conversation I decided that I would stop telling people that Gary killed himself; I would instead say that he had a heart attack. You have to learn to GROW around it. She planned to sell her things and move to Texas to be with her sister and I was very encouraging I just wanted her to get into therapy and heal herself. Just a year and a half after my mom, when . "Just don't let him kill himself." Ruben's 18-year-old sibling rushed home and sprinted upstairs, screaming and slamming on his brother's locked door until the boy opened it, crying. He told all the family he loved them by video weeks before. I walk through life like nothing is wrong, but inside I am so crushed, and forever will be. I pray for all of us who are experiencing this nightmare. If you need my help. (We live with our mother due to his past alcohol addiction) He had a new girlfriend since 4 years and we really thought he was doing better. We found each other when he was 25. Although I sometimes feel that we are alone, I realize that others have walked the same path. So its common to ask questions like What if?, Why?, and Whats the point?. It is impossible to know exactly what dreams mean, but typically dreams like this are our subconscious trying to work things out. He was kind and generous. It just gets more and more to be an accepted ne normal. Even in death they both went the same way. I have considered suicide many times but could never leave my child. He had taken most of his antidepressants at once. Isabelle Siegel January 22, 2021 at 10:34 am Reply. I wanted us to acknowledge as a family that my moms death had been intentional and not accidental, and I received a lot of push-back initially. Katie, I read your comment and I can imagine how you feel. Please get help. I forgive his sins and omissions, and I forgive mine. Im glad I could help him but god I cant help but think sometimes I could save a friend and not my sister, Please help me understand. But I cant help but blame myself for being part of the reason he made that decision. You may feel angry with the person, with the world, with God, with yourself. Shana Chappell detailed her second . If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves. I've put this list together, from one parent to another, in the hope that it will be of some help to other parents who are just starting this journey.